I've seen blogs before but I never thought I would have one. To me it was too much like scrap booking and I didn't want to be sucked into that world. Well I'm sucked. I love this! It's better than Facebook.
I left my old job in March because my ex was working there with a woman that was more important than me. He got her the job and coached her on what to say in the interview and then he ended up training her. They ended up having so much in common that they wanted to hang out outside of work. That's when the proverbial $h*@ hit the fan. She has 2 kids and a husband that didn't care what she did and She or my ex didn't respect me enough to care about what was appropriate and what wasn't. So I left a job with coworkers and people that I loved and I've been looking for a job ever since. I've never been out of work for over a month so this has been hard for me. It's been a big blessing though because I've had time to process things and figure out ways to make myself useful to my folks.
I mowed the lawn today. I found out that the distance I walk when I mow is close to a mile. Pretty cool. So I know I walk at least a mile a week. I'm so glad that I've been able to be outdoors so much this summer. It's great. I actually like pulling weeds now, go figure. It's so therapeutic. I've also planted flowers and I'm tending a garden. Eating food that you grow is very rewarding. We have zucchinis coming out of our ears. I think I'll make some bread and enjoy the fruits and vegetables of my labor.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Today I ate a Pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream
It was Stephen Colbert's "Americone Dream" and it was delicious!
Anyone who has been divorced will tell you that you will have your good days and your bad ones. Today wasn't necessarily bad I just needed ice cream in a bad way. I guess it was comfort eating. Not being employed gives me a lot to think about. I've thought about going back to school, I've thought about joining the Air Force, I've thought about becoming an exotic dancer (not really I haven't taken the pole dancing class yet), but mostly I've thought about how my marriage began and how it ended.
It all happened very fast. We met, fell in love and were married 4 months later. I know, crazy fast but when you're in love even 4 months feels like forever.
Soon after we were married we discovered the matrimonial road was a bumpy one. He discovered I had a temper and I discovered he was emotionally retarded (to say the least). I was also guilty of not being the best house keeper and the occasional reminding (he called it nagging), and I didn't cook gourmet meals 3 times a day like his mom. It's a tough expectation to live up to when his mummy was pampering him his entire life So we had some rough patches. I kept hearing from people that the first year was the hardest so I thought that after the 12 months things would get better and we would understand each other perfectly. After 13 months we decided to go to counseling because he felt I was angry and violent.
I did some research on counselors and because I didn't think he would be willing to fit counseling into the budget we went to trainee counselors who weren't yet certified or even married. Regardless of that I shared and I shared and I shared. I don't have any problems at all talking about how I feel. But I do have a problem when I know something is wrong and my spouse won't open up to me. I was an open book and he was a vault. That combination can never work.
One of my hurtles in the marriage was that I didn't think I was a priority in my husband's life. He seemed to put everyone before me, his brother, his sister, his work, his reading materials, his TV shows, his hobbies and even another woman he claimed was his "best friend". He told me I was just insecure and needy. Call me crazy, many already have, but I didn't think asking my husband to go on a walk with me every now and again or giving me a card on my birthday, for V Day or anniversary's was too much to ask. Apparently it was. I'm too demanding. I was also too puffy, he wasn't attracted to me anymore. There's more to that but it's rated R.
I tried everything I thought I could do but I just couldn't get through to him. We couldn't get through to each other. I came to find out that he had been holding grudged against me. For me some of the stupid things he did just became endearing. But everything I did that was remotely unacceptable to him was a strike against me. In the end we went our nine innings and he threw a perfect game and I struck out.
Anyone who has been divorced will tell you that you will have your good days and your bad ones. Today wasn't necessarily bad I just needed ice cream in a bad way. I guess it was comfort eating. Not being employed gives me a lot to think about. I've thought about going back to school, I've thought about joining the Air Force, I've thought about becoming an exotic dancer (not really I haven't taken the pole dancing class yet), but mostly I've thought about how my marriage began and how it ended.
It all happened very fast. We met, fell in love and were married 4 months later. I know, crazy fast but when you're in love even 4 months feels like forever.
Soon after we were married we discovered the matrimonial road was a bumpy one. He discovered I had a temper and I discovered he was emotionally retarded (to say the least). I was also guilty of not being the best house keeper and the occasional reminding (he called it nagging), and I didn't cook gourmet meals 3 times a day like his mom. It's a tough expectation to live up to when his mummy was pampering him his entire life So we had some rough patches. I kept hearing from people that the first year was the hardest so I thought that after the 12 months things would get better and we would understand each other perfectly. After 13 months we decided to go to counseling because he felt I was angry and violent.
I did some research on counselors and because I didn't think he would be willing to fit counseling into the budget we went to trainee counselors who weren't yet certified or even married. Regardless of that I shared and I shared and I shared. I don't have any problems at all talking about how I feel. But I do have a problem when I know something is wrong and my spouse won't open up to me. I was an open book and he was a vault. That combination can never work.
One of my hurtles in the marriage was that I didn't think I was a priority in my husband's life. He seemed to put everyone before me, his brother, his sister, his work, his reading materials, his TV shows, his hobbies and even another woman he claimed was his "best friend". He told me I was just insecure and needy. Call me crazy, many already have, but I didn't think asking my husband to go on a walk with me every now and again or giving me a card on my birthday, for V Day or anniversary's was too much to ask. Apparently it was. I'm too demanding. I was also too puffy, he wasn't attracted to me anymore. There's more to that but it's rated R.
I tried everything I thought I could do but I just couldn't get through to him. We couldn't get through to each other. I came to find out that he had been holding grudged against me. For me some of the stupid things he did just became endearing. But everything I did that was remotely unacceptable to him was a strike against me. In the end we went our nine innings and he threw a perfect game and I struck out.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Learning as I go
So I'm kind of new to this whole blogging thing. I figured I would try it out as an outlet to vent some frustration. To know what the frustration is about you would have to know my story. I'll start off slow and see how much I can type before the Zanex kicks in and I'm fast asleep.
I'm the youngest of five kids in an amazing yet marginally dysfunctional family. I grew up in California and was raised in a strong LDS home. Admittedly, like many good Mormon girls I felt it was my duty to get married at the soonest legal age and start poppin' them out like crazy and build a little Eutopia of my own with a loving, doteing husband who would bring home the bacon while I reared the kids and made sure they were upstanding God-fearing minions.
The years ticked by. 18, nothing. 19, dry spell. 20, boyfriend but non-committal (typical man). 21, since by Mormon standards I'm verging on old maid I decided to go on a mission and do something positive with my time since I wasn't procreating.
I served a wonderful mission in Berlin, Germany and I loved every second of it, well most of it. I could have done without the pickled hering and pig stomach, seriously.
While I was in Berlin my parents moved to Utah. So by default I became a Utahn, Utard or whatever we are calling ourselvs now (inside I'll always be a California girl though).
So back from the mission I immediatley began my quest to scope out the perfect man. You know those lists that they make you write in Young Women's? POINTLESS, SHALLOW, and UNREALISTIC. That mission quickly became a desperate grab at anything that remotely piqued my intrests. Thinking about it now is truely laughable. I was in and out of shallow relationships faster that I could say shallow relationship. I thought that to have my beauty and worth validated I needed to have someone to be with. I was confused as to why all of my siblings were happily married and having wonderful beautiful kids and I wasn't. So I traveled, I spent money, I went to school, and I made out with random guys with no potential, and I bought shoes. Ladies, Freud hit it on the nose with that one. If you can't find the perfect man you can always find a perfect pair of shoes that look so fabulous and hurt so good in all the right places.
I went on to finish school at the University of Utah with a double major in International Studies and German. So after that I was in charge of the Frosty machine at Wendy's. No, not really, I went on to make a few less than desirable career moves and then ended up with a cute Condo in Holladay and a good job working for the University of Utah. I enjoyed my life but I still hadn't figured out that it was okay to be alone. I mean, I was 29 of course it's not okay to be alone. I was missing my prime child baring years.
I went on a singles cruise with my good friend and shortly after that I met THE ONE. He was the one alright, just the WRONG one but I had my head in the sand and my heart on my sleave. I didn't want to see it. He was smart, awkwardly cute, marginaly funny, and complementary. He said things to me I could never dream of a guy saying before. He told me I was beautiful and how he never loved anyone as much as me. He wanted to be with me all the time, and I him. I was in rapture! We decided to get married and I predicted nothing but blue skies from that point forward.
Stay tuned.... Much more to come
I'm the youngest of five kids in an amazing yet marginally dysfunctional family. I grew up in California and was raised in a strong LDS home. Admittedly, like many good Mormon girls I felt it was my duty to get married at the soonest legal age and start poppin' them out like crazy and build a little Eutopia of my own with a loving, doteing husband who would bring home the bacon while I reared the kids and made sure they were upstanding God-fearing minions.
The years ticked by. 18, nothing. 19, dry spell. 20, boyfriend but non-committal (typical man). 21, since by Mormon standards I'm verging on old maid I decided to go on a mission and do something positive with my time since I wasn't procreating.
I served a wonderful mission in Berlin, Germany and I loved every second of it, well most of it. I could have done without the pickled hering and pig stomach, seriously.
While I was in Berlin my parents moved to Utah. So by default I became a Utahn, Utard or whatever we are calling ourselvs now (inside I'll always be a California girl though).
So back from the mission I immediatley began my quest to scope out the perfect man. You know those lists that they make you write in Young Women's? POINTLESS, SHALLOW, and UNREALISTIC. That mission quickly became a desperate grab at anything that remotely piqued my intrests. Thinking about it now is truely laughable. I was in and out of shallow relationships faster that I could say shallow relationship. I thought that to have my beauty and worth validated I needed to have someone to be with. I was confused as to why all of my siblings were happily married and having wonderful beautiful kids and I wasn't. So I traveled, I spent money, I went to school, and I made out with random guys with no potential, and I bought shoes. Ladies, Freud hit it on the nose with that one. If you can't find the perfect man you can always find a perfect pair of shoes that look so fabulous and hurt so good in all the right places.
I went on to finish school at the University of Utah with a double major in International Studies and German. So after that I was in charge of the Frosty machine at Wendy's. No, not really, I went on to make a few less than desirable career moves and then ended up with a cute Condo in Holladay and a good job working for the University of Utah. I enjoyed my life but I still hadn't figured out that it was okay to be alone. I mean, I was 29 of course it's not okay to be alone. I was missing my prime child baring years.
I went on a singles cruise with my good friend and shortly after that I met THE ONE. He was the one alright, just the WRONG one but I had my head in the sand and my heart on my sleave. I didn't want to see it. He was smart, awkwardly cute, marginaly funny, and complementary. He said things to me I could never dream of a guy saying before. He told me I was beautiful and how he never loved anyone as much as me. He wanted to be with me all the time, and I him. I was in rapture! We decided to get married and I predicted nothing but blue skies from that point forward.
Stay tuned.... Much more to come
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